Over the years you make friends, lose them and so on and so forth. Shit happens, thing falls apart, people grow, whatever excuse it is you want to use, don't matter, they've all been used. Fact is, maybe out of all the people you ever meet over the years through playing little league, playing handball and drinking at elementary school lot, or neighborhood park or church parking lot—every place you ever had a drink, the hardcore/metal shows, High School, College, clubs, work, more work, yoga class, what have I bet you can name you're real friends, your real connections by counting fingers...
I'm not asking you to dis the majority of people you've ever met, but I think we all know there is a chosen few that stick in your head, people that have made a mark on your soul you can't wipe away...
Until recently I had been missing some of those people in my life for some time. The people I understood and understood me likewise. I was missing them but there was always a backwards six degrees of separation to get in touch with these people and see them. I spoke on some weeks ago in this very place...
There has been one individual, that fluttered in and out of my thoughts over close to 15 years. One person who's distance and anonymity had haunted me for so long, I asked mutual friends, enemies, looked high and low (not really but it sounds like I really tried this way—'cause I did) only to fail time and time again. Until Facebook...
Since joining Facebook I have had run ins with a multitude of people from my past. And almost all of them I was glad to hear from. But then I saw her name come up...
We've been talking now through Facebook for a couple of days now. It the kind of talk you have with yourself on train platforms, or the walk up Broadway to Penn Station in wee small hours, or Robert Moses Beach. I don't get to have these conversations with anyone else, she's the only one, and its fucking freakin' me out—in a good way. I'm not going to get into specifics about our back and forth, because simply put, its none of your bizwix, and I'm sure she'll agree that most of you aren't worthy anyway, suffice to say that in talking with her I was inspired to say this...
...its a humbling experience to have your life in someone else's hands—its that when you actualy see, in reality, that your life is almost always in someone else's hands and you just have to hope that person is legit, whether its your doctor, or friend, parent or lover. The choice of who that person is, is yours—so you have to choose wisely...
and that's you're moment of clarity...
thanks little kitty, we'll be talking...
2 comments:
Would it be imprudent if I said that I was weirdly freaked out, in a good way, all day as well?
Clarity is a perfect term for the odd eureka moment that I experienced Wed. AM, when I found your email.
Knowing that you are off in the world w/ strength of character, articulate and w/ bigger balls than mine, has been strangely life affirming. (My life has not felt affirmed in years, so this was no small task for a woman who gets kicked in the gut daily, by memories of a life I no longer lead.)
I slept better today, in my home, than I have in ages and w/o the benefit of pharmaceuticals.
Then I checked out this site during some down time at work. I had a visceral response to the first post I read, which was this one.
Learning that the weird freakiness is shared, is both comforting and surprising.
I have slept better as well. I prefer to use the term "kicked in the face" rather than gut, I find that a better graphic measure, it makes me think of Buscemi in "Fargo", when after negotiating the booty between him and Stormare's character Stomare wants to split the car, Buscemi, irate by this suggestion retorts, "I got shot, I got shot in the face...", he looks to be in the greatest of agony. That pretty much sums it up.
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