gulag nouveau...

don't cry for me Jamaica, Queens, i was nothing more than a shadow across the Ave. in self imposed exile, i walked the streets one last night before finally, penultimately, i departed from my gulag...

one last sojourn through the air to reach my destination. home. you know, where the heart is...

true dreams of flyover states passing underneath, to a faux-promised land for a final wait and a short jump to a place rapt with as much guarantee as apprehension.

this is gulag in the 21st century...

one night in mineola...

i laid there, alone, after all false-faces and pudgy's chicken. after my parents had gone and my school had been cancelled, my life put on hold. the lights went down, but there wasn't any sleep to be had that night, only worry. i'm not sure how it was on the outside, we tend not to talk about these things but i can tell you now that i've never been so scared...

she was just a little baby. Casey was her name, that was about all i knew about her. shrouded there next to me, there was an emergency. she had been clinging to life, i laid petrified. there was so much to take in now, the nurses scrambled to prep little Casey for whatever the doctors, well on their way, would need to keep her alive. time seemed to ache as i listened to them working, i didn't have a choice but to hear. i was left to wonder what she might look like, small but precious, strong but at the mercy of this mortal coil. perhaps selfishly, my thoughts shifted to my own fate. it was to unfold over the coming days. i was unprepared for this plague, i had no training, no merit badge for such a diagnosis. i had no inkling of what would happen to me, i was overcome, alone in that bed, half-scared for Casey struggling to make it another day, one of the few she had even experienced...

the din had finally ended, Casey stabilized for the moment, i laid there in quiet desperation, hoping that someone, anyone, would tell me it was going to be alright. Casey laid there recuperating from her fight, quiet. she couldn't yet understand what she was fighting for, or whether it was even worth it. i wonder whether i could tell her 'it is' with a straight face...

i wonder tonight about whatever happened to Casey. in better days i recalled asking, the nurses were all very attached to her as they had become to me. i don't know if they were protecting me or themselves, but i never received an answer...

its been 21 years since that night in Winthrop. my second self is old enough to drink...

here's to Casey...

do you remember...

its september, and i have lost my way.

where was i going, why do i stay?

what the fuck am i doing...HERE?

maybe october will have the answer, but i'm not feeling too optimistic.

where have i been? fuck off...

in memorium...

my Smith Serpicos...we battled the elements together and fought the good fight. you were valiant to the end, and i thank you...

you will be replaced but never forgotten..

requiem...

'I mean; what are they going to say, man, when he's gone, huh? Cause he dies, when it dies, man. When it dies, he dies. What are they going to say about him—what; he was a kind man, he was a wise man, he had plans, he had wisdom—Bullshit man! Am I going to be the one that's gonna set them straight—wrong!...You."

that's goddamned right...

R.I.P.

"Hi, I'm Rajon Rondo...

Chances are, you haven't heard of me. I realize it is difficult to keep track of little old me when there are LeBron Jameses, Dwight Howards, Kevin Durants, and Kobe Bryants of the worlds breathing all the air out of ESPN and TNT basketball coverage, but I've just been revitalizing a team of veterans into kicking the shit out of the Eastern Conference..."

i'm not one to boast (especially when i'm only half-right) but i did have the Celtics in this position when the rest of the NBA pundits did not. Rondo is a revelation, that in fairness, i never thought much of when he was attending the university of Kentucky, but after the Celtics won the title a few years back it became apparent that Rondo was becoming an elite point guard. During this years NBA playoffs, after almost single handedly dispatching of the Miami Heat and then burying the Hype in Cleveland with the help of my old friend KG, the Celtics are running over the Orlando magic, looking younger and healthier than they did when they won the title in 2008. In what could be the final run for the likes of Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and newcomer-though experienced Rasheed Wallace, Rondo is making himself into an absolute superstar.

the first in line...

a lot can be said of Ronnie James Dio, I choose to defer...

"Always the one alone longs for mercy, the Maker’s mildness, though, troubled in mind, across the ocean-ways he has long been forced to stir with his hands the frost-cold sea, and walk in exile’s paths. Wyrd is fully fixed!"
Thus spoke the Wanderer, mindful of troubles,
of cruel slaughters and the fall of dear kinsmen:
“Often alone, every first light of dawn, I have lamented my sorrows. There is no one living to whom I would dare to reveal clearly my deepest thoughts. I know it is true that it is in the lordly nature of a nobleman to closely bind his spirit’s coffer,
hold his treasure-hoard, whatever he may think. The weary mind cannot withstand wyrd, the troubled heart can offer no help,
and so those eager for fame often bind fast in their breast-coffers a sorrowing soul, just as I have had to take my own heart —
often wretched, cut off from my homeland, far from dear kinsmen — and bind it in fetters,
ever since long ago I hid my gold-giving friend in the darkness of earth, and went wretched, winter-sad, over the binding waves, sought, hall-sick, a treasure-giver, wherever I might find, far or near, someone in a meadhall who knew of my people, or who’d want to comfort me, friendless, accustom me to joy. He who has come to know how cruel a companion is sorrow
to one who has few dear protectors, will understand this: the path of exile claims him, not patterned gold, a winter-bound spirit, not the wealth of earth. He remembers hall-holders and treasure-taking, how in his youth his gold-giving lord
accustomed him to the feast—that joy has all faded.
"And so he who has long been forced to forego his dear lord’s beloved words of counsel will understand: when sorrow and sleep both together often bind up the wretched exile, it seems in his mind that he clasps and kisses his lord of men, and on his knee lays hands and head, as he sometimes long ago in earlier days enjoyed the gift-throne. But when the friendless man awakens again and sees before him the fallow waves, seabirds bathing, spreading their feathers, frost falling and snow, mingled with hail, then the heart’s wounds are that much heavier, pain after pleasure. Sorrow is renewed when the memory of kinsmen flies through the mind; he greets them with great joy, greedily surveys hall-companions — they always swim away;
the floating spirits bring too few well-known voices. Cares are renewed for one who must send, over and over,
a weary heart across the binding of the waves.
"And so I cannot imagine for all this world why my spirit should not grow dark when I think through all this life of men,
how they suddenly gave up the hall-floor, mighty young retainers. Thus this middle-earth droops and decays every single day;
and so a man cannot become wise, before he has weathered his share of winters in this world. A wise man must be patient,
neither too hot-hearted nor too hasty with words, nor too weak in war nor too unwise in thoughts, neither fretting nor frivolous nor greedy for wealth, never eager for boasting before he truly understands; a man must wait, when he makes a boast, until the brave spirit understands truly whither the thoughts of his heart will turn.
"The wise man must realize how ghostly it will be when all the wealth of this world stands waste, as now here and there throughout this middle-earth walls stand blasted by wind, beaten by frost, the buildings crumbling.
The wine halls topple, their rulers lie deprived of all joys; the proud old troops all fell by the wall. War carried off some, sent them on the way, one a bird carried off over the high seas, one the gray wolf shared with death—and one a sad-faced man covered in an earthen grave. The Creator of men thus wrecked this enclosure, until the old works of giants stood empty,
without the sounds of their former citizens.
"He who deeply considers, with wise thoughts, this foundation and this dark life, old in spirit, often remembers
so many ancient slaughters, and says these words:

‘Where has the horse gone? where is the rider? where is the giver of gold? Where are the seats of the feast? where are the joys of the hall? O the bright cup! O the brave warrior! O the glory of princes! How the time passed away, slipped into nightfall as if it had never been!’

"There still stands in the path of the dear warriors a wall wondrously high, with serpentine stains. A torrent of spears took away the warriors, bloodthirsty weapons, wyrd the mighty, and storms batter these stone walls, frost falling binds up the earth, the howl of winter, when blackness comes, night’s shadow looms, sends down from the north harsh hailstones in hatred of men. All is toilsome in the earthly kingdom, the working of wyrd changes the world under heaven. Here wealth is fleeting, here friends are fleeting, here man is fleeting, here woman is fleeting, all the framework of this earth will stand empty.”
"So said the wise one in his mind, sitting apart in meditation.
He is good who keeps his word,7 and the man who never too quickly
shows the anger in his breast, unless he already knows the remedy,
how a nobleman can bravely bring it about. It will be well for one who seeks mercy,
consolation from the Father in heaven, where for us all stability stands.

The Wanderer—Exeter Book 975 A.D.