one night in mineola...

i laid there, alone, after all false-faces and pudgy's chicken. after my parents had gone and my school had been cancelled, my life put on hold. the lights went down, but there wasn't any sleep to be had that night, only worry. i'm not sure how it was on the outside, we tend not to talk about these things but i can tell you now that i've never been so scared...

she was just a little baby. Casey was her name, that was about all i knew about her. shrouded there next to me, there was an emergency. she had been clinging to life, i laid petrified. there was so much to take in now, the nurses scrambled to prep little Casey for whatever the doctors, well on their way, would need to keep her alive. time seemed to ache as i listened to them working, i didn't have a choice but to hear. i was left to wonder what she might look like, small but precious, strong but at the mercy of this mortal coil. perhaps selfishly, my thoughts shifted to my own fate. it was to unfold over the coming days. i was unprepared for this plague, i had no training, no merit badge for such a diagnosis. i had no inkling of what would happen to me, i was overcome, alone in that bed, half-scared for Casey struggling to make it another day, one of the few she had even experienced...

the din had finally ended, Casey stabilized for the moment, i laid there in quiet desperation, hoping that someone, anyone, would tell me it was going to be alright. Casey laid there recuperating from her fight, quiet. she couldn't yet understand what she was fighting for, or whether it was even worth it. i wonder whether i could tell her 'it is' with a straight face...

i wonder tonight about whatever happened to Casey. in better days i recalled asking, the nurses were all very attached to her as they had become to me. i don't know if they were protecting me or themselves, but i never received an answer...

its been 21 years since that night in Winthrop. my second self is old enough to drink...

here's to Casey...